Whiny Post

You know what? I'm drunk as fuck. And I've never been better.

Not happier. Never happier. I do not have fun when I drink. I don't get together with all of my née fake university friends because I don't have any. There, I said it. Pathetic as it is, I don't even have any acquaintances. I am not blonde and skinny and rich and snobby like all of the stupid girls here. It's so cliquey here. It's so goddamn cliquey. It's just like high school, where everybody fits somewhere, everybody has a place. Except me.

I really thought this would change. I really did. But it's high school except bigger, lonelier and way more expensive. And you know what? I'm so sick of it. I'm so goddamn sick of it. So I'll drink. And not feel. And cut and flash people and cry and cry and cry. Because if I do these things sober, I'm crazy. But if I'm drunk, people get it. Everyone starts to fucking get it.

 I refuse to be the shark for fake girls to latch on to and I refuse to be the shark sucker that uses people. These girls have mutual friendships, but very shallow ones and I refuse to support the fucking system. Let's go eat together but just because we have nobody else to eat with. And you know, I tried. I really tried this time. But even here, even in University, I feel like I grew up to goddamn fast and everyone else is living their pathetic teenage lives.

I'm so bitter. Because I'm so tired of it. I really am. I can only hope life doesn't stay this shallow and pathetic and vomit-inducing. I just want to stay in bed and sleep and skip class and not sleep and lay there and do nothing. I guess that's what I'm good at. That, and nothing else. That, and keeping quiet and pretending I'm fine when I'm not. That, and being perfectly rational and sane even when I'm falling apart.

This was so hard to write because of how drunk I am, but honestly, it couldn't wait. It couldn't. I'm sick of 
waiting. I'm sick of giving everything I have and every little ounce of me up and being my best and doing everything I can while getting nothing in return. And so I give up. It doesn't get me anywhere. I'm stilly nobody.

I've been other people. I have given myself new names and new personalities and I don't know why. I have no fucking clue. But I told the truth and I apologized and I fell apart and you forgave me. But I want to do it again. I know it was right to tell the truth but at the same time, I don't know who to be without them. I'm nothing.

I just want to look in the mirror and be okay with who I see. I don't have to like it, I don't have to love it. I just want to be able to look at my tear-streaked face and my bloody legs and look me I'm the eyes and feel something. To have some part of me connect and say, "Oh, this is who you are." but I don't feel it. I am an empty soul with a body that shields it from letting everyone know there's nothing there. If I died, I would have no soul or spirit or ghost. I am nothing.

I can't feel it. I can't feel anything. My heart is cold and my mind is detached and everything is a black hole that swallows all of the emotions from myself and from others. Swallows the fear and the words and the life itself. And it won't let go. It has a stranglehold and I can feel myself sobering up by the minute.

It's a long lost road travelled by a long lost person, and that's me.