Sorry!

Sorry about that post, it was from last night. I meant to post it then, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I eventually just kind of passed out.

I'm feeling a lot better today though! I'm pretty sick but I'm home and that makes me happy.

Whiny Post

You know what? I'm drunk as fuck. And I've never been better.

Not happier. Never happier. I do not have fun when I drink. I don't get together with all of my née fake university friends because I don't have any. There, I said it. Pathetic as it is, I don't even have any acquaintances. I am not blonde and skinny and rich and snobby like all of the stupid girls here. It's so cliquey here. It's so goddamn cliquey. It's just like high school, where everybody fits somewhere, everybody has a place. Except me.

I really thought this would change. I really did. But it's high school except bigger, lonelier and way more expensive. And you know what? I'm so sick of it. I'm so goddamn sick of it. So I'll drink. And not feel. And cut and flash people and cry and cry and cry. Because if I do these things sober, I'm crazy. But if I'm drunk, people get it. Everyone starts to fucking get it.

 I refuse to be the shark for fake girls to latch on to and I refuse to be the shark sucker that uses people. These girls have mutual friendships, but very shallow ones and I refuse to support the fucking system. Let's go eat together but just because we have nobody else to eat with. And you know, I tried. I really tried this time. But even here, even in University, I feel like I grew up to goddamn fast and everyone else is living their pathetic teenage lives.

I'm so bitter. Because I'm so tired of it. I really am. I can only hope life doesn't stay this shallow and pathetic and vomit-inducing. I just want to stay in bed and sleep and skip class and not sleep and lay there and do nothing. I guess that's what I'm good at. That, and nothing else. That, and keeping quiet and pretending I'm fine when I'm not. That, and being perfectly rational and sane even when I'm falling apart.

This was so hard to write because of how drunk I am, but honestly, it couldn't wait. It couldn't. I'm sick of 
waiting. I'm sick of giving everything I have and every little ounce of me up and being my best and doing everything I can while getting nothing in return. And so I give up. It doesn't get me anywhere. I'm stilly nobody.

I've been other people. I have given myself new names and new personalities and I don't know why. I have no fucking clue. But I told the truth and I apologized and I fell apart and you forgave me. But I want to do it again. I know it was right to tell the truth but at the same time, I don't know who to be without them. I'm nothing.

I just want to look in the mirror and be okay with who I see. I don't have to like it, I don't have to love it. I just want to be able to look at my tear-streaked face and my bloody legs and look me I'm the eyes and feel something. To have some part of me connect and say, "Oh, this is who you are." but I don't feel it. I am an empty soul with a body that shields it from letting everyone know there's nothing there. If I died, I would have no soul or spirit or ghost. I am nothing.

I can't feel it. I can't feel anything. My heart is cold and my mind is detached and everything is a black hole that swallows all of the emotions from myself and from others. Swallows the fear and the words and the life itself. And it won't let go. It has a stranglehold and I can feel myself sobering up by the minute.

It's a long lost road travelled by a long lost person, and that's me.

TIRED

I was at the library this morning.

It was too early for me to be at the library.

Also, it's too late for me to be up typing this.

So Long, Farewell!

Say goodbye to my black hair. By this time next week, it should be blue!

Pidge and I went to the mall yesterday..

.. And look-ee what I brought back!

Yawning is just our body's way of saying '20% battery remaining.'

Whaddup, World?

How's it going? In real life, I'm pretty awkward, so I'm not going to spare you the awkwardness here, in an attempt to keep the unnatural flow.

Silence.

My name is Jessica. Sometimes people call me Jessa. I used to have a huge beef with Jessica but I've really gotten over it. I hang out on a bunch of spots all across the internet, from Livejournal to deviantART to Tumblr - and now I'm here! I'll post some links below if you want to check out my writing at lj, my art at dA or my interests at Tumblr. 

I am an undergraduate student in University aiming for a double major in Art and English. Right now, I am taking Bio, English, Art, Women's Studies and Psych. I have a girlfriend that we'll call Pidge whom I am living with currently at residence in our University. I love to read, write, learn and create art. I have a wide arrange of interests and a very open mind. I am also open to discussion if anybody is interested!

Right now, I'm obsessed with Sylvia Plath and Van Gogh. I love Adventure Time and My Little Pony, so you'll probably here all about all of those things as well. I'll post journal entries about my life and some of my artwork, too. I also tend to have two speeds - high, and very, very low, so posts will range in writing styles, as well. I will still try to update often! 

The blog title "cah-lah-veh-ras dev ah-soo-car" is just the pronunciation of calaveras de azucar, which means 'sugar skull'. This also correlates with the blog url, "sugary skulls". It is a beautiful symbol that represents me in its entirety - do not mourn death, but relish in the memories. Live life day by day and to the fullest. 

This blog is basically a collection of my entries across various other websites so that splashes of myself can form a beautiful masterpiece here. I am excited to get to know my followers and have many interactions with you! Feel free to e-mail me or message me anytime.

deviantART - caramelldanser.deviantart.com

Tumblr - jessadollblog.tumblr.com

E-mail - jessadollmail@gmail.ca

Huzzah!